[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
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I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Yup.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.