[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
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[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Hmm, not sure about this change
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Good morning, Twitter x
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
…u ok Nintendo?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.