COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
You Might Also Like
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.
I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot