@lecalabara

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

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@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

@Dutch_50

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

@daemonic3

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

@joeljeffrey

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

@junejuly12

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

@platinum2000

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

@daemonic3

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

@Douchekevin

A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.

I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice