Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

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Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.


Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer


I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.


How do I know I’m Canadian?

An AI pedestrian in Grand Theft Auto just sneezed and I said “Bless You” outloud for nobody to hear.


If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.


Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son


[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY


My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one