@lecalabara

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

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@rcromwell4

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

@_Prozach74

Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer

@Laser_Cat

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

@adamof_alltrade

How do I know I’m Canadian?

An AI pedestrian in Grand Theft Auto just sneezed and I said “Bless You” outloud for nobody to hear.

@bestestname

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

@lmwortho

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

@caithuls

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

@nigburt

My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one