Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Where is your GOD now????
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I hate everything
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*