Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
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Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
5 ways to appear taller
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?