@BitterOldPunk

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

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@trojansauce

*in the corridor of the club waiting for my transitions lenses to turn back into glasses* i’ll see you ladies inside

@groovuroy

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

@Illiter8

The tattoos in your shirtless avi say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.

@WilliamAder

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

@Lilbyrdy

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

@winemamita

stop asking me if im hispanic when i already told y’all im hispeace!!!

@Wine_Honey1

You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.

@rolldiggity

Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.