“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
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Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Fights fire with marshmallows
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode