@9to5Life

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

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@StevieKnip

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

@TheTweetOfGod

Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.

@Shenanigans_luv

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

@venomjunkie2

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

@funderlaw

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

@CallMeDraper

I’m more of a leader than a follower, unless you’re wearing yoga pants.

@flagmytweets

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

@GrowlyGrego

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.