Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

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*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*


Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.


Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked


If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.


My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?


Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.


I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.


I’m more of a leader than a follower, unless you’re wearing yoga pants.


Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier


*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
You’re way too dumb.
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.