@Home_Halfway
@primawesome
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
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@primawesome
@Jake_Vig
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
@Kate_Hart
actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”
@stEPH_u_
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
@Bripping_Talls
5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.
@Ygrene
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
@ashmensch
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
@mommajessiec
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
@NotthatAdamWest
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.
@dadmann_walking
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.