@Home_Halfway

MEGAN: What are you up to

MEGHAN: Whaht ahre yhou uhp toh

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@primawesome

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

@Jake_Vig

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

@Kate_Hart

actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”

@stEPH_u_

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

@Ygrene

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

@ashmensch

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

@mommajessiec

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

@NotthatAdamWest

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.

@dadmann_walking

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.