“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
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Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
me after drinking all the wine:
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes