—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
the clam before the storm
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.