Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
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“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
(Electricians.)
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.