Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
You Might Also Like
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends