@ArfMeasures

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

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@youngcogan

when I had surgery I assumed that when they were giving me aesthetic that they’d count down from ten like you see on the telly but instead a czech nurse just looked down at me and said “goodbye” and I was gone. i laugh every time i think about it.

@wife3kidsnodogs

How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?

@AverageCorners

I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.

@ArfMeasures

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

@iAmDelFreaky

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

@Dawn_M_

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

@funnybeachgirl

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

@michaelianblack

Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.