ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

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I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18


*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*


Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.


My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.


me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably


Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.


Me: *pointing at nothing* Hey, what’s that?

My guardian angel: *looks where I am pointing*

Me: *runs into traffic*


If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink

What’s the point of them having a cell phone


Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them


Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.