ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
You Might Also Like
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.