@Gooooats

Meghan Markle is going to be bummed when she finds out that her royal duties include getting up at 3:00 every morning to wind up Big Ben.

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@TheRohiniReddy

I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.

@_ElvishPresley_

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

@kelkulus

The difference between men and women is that for men, “stabby” is not an emotion.

@KKAlThani

Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.

@iwearaonesie

wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]
me:Good

@AnniemuMary

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

@Marlebean

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

@ComedicBust

Before you say you “value my opinion,” just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.

@PyrBliss

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.