I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
You Might Also Like
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)