Meghan Markle is going to be bummed when she finds out that her royal duties include getting up at 3:00 every morning to wind up Big Ben.

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I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.


*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*


The difference between men and women is that for men, “stabby” is not an emotion.


Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.


wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]


I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.


I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone


Before you say you “value my opinion,” just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.


If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.