*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I’ve used my wife’s conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I’m a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid?
Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid.
Me: There’s no past tense with that one.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
me [travels back to ford’s theatre 1865]: wow, this is actually a great production
me: oh, I forgot that’s why I came back
“Just how drunk are you?”
– “French toast”