Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
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My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Mouse
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!