Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
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Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.