@sweet_toof

“Meh” -apathetic cow

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@FU_TangClan

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

@MoneypennyNaked

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

@DrawingShadows

Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.

@Reverend_Scott

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

@SamanthaaaReece

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

@girlnarly

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

@Chip_Lappin

*Every coffee date*

Her: I’m studying Neuro-Molecular-Psychology. My emphasis is in reductive assimilation of the synapses.

Me: im curious about science too. like how do they make them blue skittles taste like cherry

@3sunzzz

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.

@SuperJuanderer

If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait… that’s for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.