@sweet_toof

“Meh” -apathetic cow

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@drinksmcgee

Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.

@truegritrumble

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

@FredTaming

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

@KWalps

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

@katvonwitt

Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don’t have to tell me how a marriage works.

@myboots111

Losing weight should be like losing your virginity

Once you lose it you can never get it back

@Darlainky

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

@Fred_Delicious

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]

“no actually”

@markhoppus

i appreciate the song “the boys are back in town” because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?