“Meh” -apathetic cow

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Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules


Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.


Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.


Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]



I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”


[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities


*Every coffee date*

Her: I’m studying Neuro-Molecular-Psychology. My emphasis is in reductive assimilation of the synapses.

Me: im curious about science too. like how do they make them blue skittles taste like cherry


We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.


Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.


If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait… that’s for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.