Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
drew a comic about my origin story
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?