@JohnLyonTweets

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

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@lyric_intent

[Bank Robbery]
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*

@junejuly12

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

@fanofhell

Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar
Hamburglar: you’ve got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You’re thinking of hamburgerburglar

@OhNoSheTwitnt

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

@Vodkantots

Looking for someone to shovel my snow while dressed as a stormtrooper.

No weirdos.

@sliver_of

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

@AimeeHelene1

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

@generaldietz

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

@flyafuckingkite

When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.