Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
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the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing