Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
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Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.