Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.