me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
wife:The other tag
me:Made in Vietnam
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.