me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
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I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.