@iwearaonesie

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

@David_Ingram

Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”

@McGrumpenstein

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

@thedad

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

@SomeChrisTweets

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

@on_the_fritz_17

If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.

@OneFunnyMummy

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

@PetrickSara

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.