I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
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Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
“No pressure, but my happiness is totally dependent on you.”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
ME: I hate the Kentucky Derby. You get all dressed up and excited and the whole thing only lasts 15 seconds
WIFE: Oh is that right