Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
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doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old