@Contwixt

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

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@i_Lean

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

@_sleepysmile

He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.

@notfaizzy

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

@BillFienberg

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

@mrjohndarby

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

@quikkim

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

@ericsshadow

[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”

@ericsshadow

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

@Fred_Delicious

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why