Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
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He thought I wore a size two.
A size two?!
I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why