@iLightbulb

Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let’s sing that instead

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@rachelle_mandik

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

@_UltimateTwit

Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.

Freaks her husband out though.

@MacAnnabella

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

@CourtneyBale

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

@mistakeswasmade

professsor x: what’s your superpower

me: solving for variables

professor 17: oh wow