do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let’s sing that instead
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Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.
Freaks her husband out though.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
professsor x: what’s your superpower
me: solving for variables
professor 17: oh wow