“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
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Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said