(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”