Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
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[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one