ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
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sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.