ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Why is this me 😫
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
We all have our pet causes.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
yea so i messed up lol
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: