What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
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hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?