Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
You Might Also Like
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur