End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Current mood: Potato
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I’m having an out of money experience.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.