My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
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Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.