“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
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me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
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Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side