I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My current situation
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
no their not
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”