ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
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ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
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*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow