My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
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My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
The most unbelievable part about Sesame Street (a show with an 8 foot bird) is that there is only one grouch in the whole neighborhood.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex
T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams