50 shades of grey = my Liver
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
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So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years
Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell “OMG! I’m on my way now!” & tell them my brother had a bad car accident.
Murderer:You can’t hide from me!
Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!
Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.