@karanlyons

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

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@Vice_Queen

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

@LADaddy

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

@Jandalize

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

@NutttyV

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

@Matt_The_1st

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

@BuckyIsotope

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

@KKAlThani

My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell “OMG! I’m on my way now!” & tell them my brother had a bad car accident.

@Poutymcgee

Murderer:You can’t hide from me!

Me:*hiding*

Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!

Me:*sweating

Me:

Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.