@karanlyons

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

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@torrami

My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁

@realHamOnWry

My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.

@KyleMcDowell86

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

@thenatewolf

The most unbelievable part about Sesame Street (a show with an 8 foot bird) is that there is only one grouch in the whole neighborhood.

@mkpaulsen

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

@JasonLastname

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

@FeverFlave

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

@sofarrsogud

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

@bornmiserable

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

@SortaBad

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams