[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
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I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We’ll hear more of Karen’s lies. Up next.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
8yo: mommy how old are you?
8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?