@Peter_shirley

Memes really need signatures. What genius did this?

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@alovablenerd

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

@KyleMcDowell86

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

@LoveNLunchmeat

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

@briangaar

I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8

@ClichedOut

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We’ll hear more of Karen’s lies. Up next.

@_Water_Baby

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

@turtledumplin

8yo: mommy how old are you?

Me: 46

8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?