At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
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Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
This year for Lent, I’m just giving up.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.
“Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?”
*Mom returns with Morgan Freeman*
“I love you mom”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u