[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Botany good plants lately?
Do not levitate over flowers
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets