Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
If only.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Lol.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Put the is in disheveled
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.