@SardonicTart: Memorial Day was always my grandpa's favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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@marcmack: I live in fear that one day the real "World's Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
@BigHeb7: Whenever I'm about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.
@PleaseBeGneiss: [lying in bed] Wife: He's probably thinking of other women ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It's a cape AND a bib?!
@eXentRic_: Excuse me waiter, I'm in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?