Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Dishonest mechanic?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.