Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
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Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Sponch
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ