Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
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If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
thanksgiving in nutshell
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.