What can I get you?
I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!
[my brain]: How do cows make cheese
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery
“Of course you’re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder” – alcohol
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.