@OhSweetCharity

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

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@PajamaBen_

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

@Scimommy

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

@UrbanDouchebag

I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”

Because they’d be right.

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

@Mr_Kapowski

If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn’t have to duct tape candy around my kid’s torso like a suicide bomber

@mjkspeaks

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

@maurex23

“I like Trump because he isn’t a politician.”

Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.

@thetigersez

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

@sofarrsogud

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.