You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”
Because they’d be right.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
ME: cool see u tonight
If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn’t have to duct tape candy around my kid’s torso like a suicide bomber
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“I like Trump because he isn’t a politician.”
Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.