@OhSweetCharity

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

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@TheAlexNevil

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

@stuartfiddle

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

@veronicakallday

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *reclines* Nice

Wife: I still can’t believe you bought a used gynecological exam table

Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs

@sixfootcandy

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

@jonnysun

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

@Phook75

If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”

@Izianikapani

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]