Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea