*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.


*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole


The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.


friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol


if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires


One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.


[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”


My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”