@awordforaword

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

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@Lisabug74

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

@Manda_like_wine

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

@jwoodham

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

@DanMentos

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

@fro_vo

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

@Carter_TCB

One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.

@david8hughes

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

@ChrisIsJoking

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”