Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
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If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.