@UnFitz

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

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@jergarl

Wife:How’d you sleep?

Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo

W:

Ambien:*giggles

@WheelTod

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

@bea_ker

Politics informs every aspect of my life. It affects how much money I have, how I spend it, and my work itself. Sorry, not politics. Pokemon

@TheSchnizzy

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

@SethMacFarlane

Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.

@BadJokeCat

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

@specialsquid

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

@Unlucky_Ninja

Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news

@dumbbeezie

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married