Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

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PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.


I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.


[Scientist discovering catfish]

Scientist: What kind of fish are you?

Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*


Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!


My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.


Feeling good about the economy, and my life in particular, because of the stock market. I don’t have money in the stock market, I just like to see the numbers get big


*sees commercial* “Talk to your kids about drugs before its too late”

“Kiddo. Kitchen. Now”
– Yeah?
“This is oregano. Don’t get ripped off”


god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok