@UnFitz

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

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@CulturedRuffian

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

@NourHadidi

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

@G_Faylor

[Scientist discovering catfish]

Scientist: What kind of fish are you?

Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*

@TheBoydP

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

@simoncholland

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

@InternetHippo

Feeling good about the economy, and my life in particular, because of the stock market. I don’t have money in the stock market, I just like to see the numbers get big

@Sickayduh

*sees commercial* “Talk to your kids about drugs before its too late”

“Kiddo. Kitchen. Now”
– Yeah?
“This is oregano. Don’t get ripped off”

@fro_vo

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok