Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
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I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.