@NoorShamma

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

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@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@OhHellsYes

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

@philyuck

mark, my words. *mark brings me a dictionary* thanks mark

@briancthayer

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

@QwertyJones3

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

@Chhapiness

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

@thatUPSdude

“Eating Clean” means not leaving a scrap behind on your plate right?

Then yes, I “eat clean”.

@TheAlexNevil

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?