@NoorShamma

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

You Might Also Like

@MomOnFire

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

@shahnischmani

I JUST CONSUMED SO MUCH SUGAR THAT I FEEL ALL SHOUTY IN MY HEAD AND CAPS LOCKY AND HOLY CRAP HOW DO PEOPLE DO ACTUAL DRUGS

@fridaycandy

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

@shutupmikeginn

So much wasted time in public school, as an adult I’ve never used cursive, done algebra, or had to remember anything from sex ed.

@GingerHotDish

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

@just1fool

You know what they say about a man with average sized feet.

It’s really easy to find shoes for him.

@TigNotaro

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

@clint_bing

*I knee slide down the aisle, microphone to lips*
ARE YOU READYYYYYYYY FOR JEFF’S FUNERAL?!

@Lexi__Alexandra

A recent study shows 50% of people think that people who can’t spell are idiots .. The other 50% said “that’s ridiclious!”

@sixfootcandy

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.