Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
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*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.