“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
2022 will be better than 2021
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.