@sydneysagehorn

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

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@aotakeo

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

@Book_Krazy

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

@XplodingUnicorn

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

@PaperWash

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

@WilliamRodgers

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

@laurenduca

It’s hilarious that people still asking me to write for exposure. I died of exposure MONTHS AGO! My corpse is rotting on the Oregon Trail!!!

@hippieswordfish

*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here

@InternetHippo

[hell]
Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this

@aparnapkin

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun