Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
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When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
6 year old: daddy look we’ve had a whirlpool in our house this whole time!
Dad: for the love of god Timmy please get out of the toilet
I’ve used my wife’s conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I’m a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.
Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.
Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.
Lucy pulls off heist.
Lucy in disguise with diamonds.
ME: Natasha is short for Sodiumtasha
PRIEST: My son, do you have a confession or are you here to torture the lord
*eats entire box of Triscuits*
*poops out a wicker chaise lounge*
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.