“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

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Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?


When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’


GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess


6 year old: daddy look we’ve had a whirlpool in our house this whole time!

Dad: for the love of god Timmy please get out of the toilet


I’ve used my wife’s conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I’m a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.


Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.

Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.

Lucy pulls off heist.

Lucy in disguise with diamonds.


ME: Natasha is short for Sodiumtasha

PRIEST: My son, do you have a confession or are you here to torture the lord


Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.