@sydneysagehorn

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

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@dorsalstream

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

@SortaBad

When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’

@huntigula

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

@handsock_butts

6 year old: daddy look we’ve had a whirlpool in our house this whole time!

Dad: for the love of god Timmy please get out of the toilet

@Stevie_Talk

I’ve used my wife’s conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I’m a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.

@PopSlapFunk

Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.

Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.

Lucy pulls off heist.

Lucy in disguise with diamonds.

@Home_Halfway

ME: Natasha is short for Sodiumtasha

PRIEST: My son, do you have a confession or are you here to torture the lord

@KellieMounce

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.