“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
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My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Geez man, take it easy.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business