While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
You Might Also Like
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Ken is short for chicken
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?